A Tuesday afternoon - January 2005
‘Would you like to tell me why you are here?
‘Well basically. It’s a long story but my GP referred me as I’ve been having some trouble coping with work, my manager is very negative and not supportive and I have to do most of his work for him.. I’ve not been myself but I always get really worried and basically one of my tutors at university last year well he told me I am Bi-polar. I had this incident… of well.. well I had been drinking a lot – well not loads but just a lot in a short space of time.. but I think it was psychosis or something and I’m not sure what happened. I get very stressed about my work, and I wasn’t sure what to do. The Dr signed me off for two weeks, but because of what happened and because my mums.. well she’s a bit different and she sees things that other people can’t and stuff – and I came here for an assessment because I’m worried that I’m mad.
Well firstly I don’t think you are ‘mad’. Questioning your sanity is actually a very sane thing to do. This incident of psychosis.. do you want to tell me what happened?
I don’t really remember much – seems a bit like a dream now. I’d had loads of wine I’d been really stressed about my work. I don’t really know why I get so stressed it’s that doing well is really important to me. I didn’t want to lose the opportunity. Going to university well it was my chance to change my life. Change everything. Anyhow there was this leaving do that the lecturer organised for us and we all went along. I’m not really sure what happened – I think opinion’s were exchanged. I was very outspoken and so was he. We had had some disagreements in the past – I’d presented some ideas about heritage and homosexuality which he didn’t agree with and he wanted to fail me. Maybe I could sense something underlying that wasn’t quite right? or that he felt negatively toward me?
I felt generally uncomfortable and I always sort of felt I didn’t fit in. He encouraged a really strong group ethos amongst his students but I wasn’t in that specific group and I just felt like an outsider. I must have been quite self conscious and hadn’t been out in a while so hence the wine. I can’t really remember details only feeling like something had happened; I remember crying and getting upset. I remember feeling like I was tripping out a bit and feeling like I could see around corners. I remember him saying while this was happening that I would never be capable of completing a PhD, and that I wasn’t a performer and that my ideas about setting up my own organisation were grandiose. And that I wouldn’t get a first.
And did you?
Yes – but he told me after that he said and that it was a bad thing as it would now confirm all my other delusions. For some reason these comments really hurt me as I really respected him for opening my eyes to the world and confirming so many ideas I had had about things. I was really distraught and grabbed a knife from the table. It was a butter knife so I’m not really sure what I thought I was doing it for. Someone must have taken it off me. Anyhow I had made a spectacle of myself – just like I had seen my mum do in the pub when I was little. I went home and slept it off… I didn’t really remember all of it and memories come back in dribs and drabs. I was just really sad at the time.
And this man – he was a psychology professor?
No he was a tutor in historical geography. Do you think I’m mad? I researched everything I could about the disorder – and others too. Schizophrenia, Borderline personality disorder, depression, General Anxiety Disorder, eating disorder, everything trying to work out what was wrong with me. Maybe I am depressed? Maybe I’m a lesbian? Do you think I’m mad?
I’m not sure that sexuality is really relevant. It exists on a spectrum which can change and vary to different degrees throughout our lives.. What is significant is your relationships. Do you have a partner?
No. I really would like a boyfriend but I’ve been staying single all through uni as I don’t want any distractions. Plus I get stressed and I can’t cope with my feelings. But I have been reading self help books on stress management.
Any good?
Not really – they basically say I should just relax.
Do you like to read alot?
Yes. But only non-fiction now really. I used to read literature and fiction when I was younger but now I’ve been at uni I don’t see the point in reading fiction. I want to read about society and immerse myself in facts so I can help to make a better world.
I see. You mentioned your mother – that she was ‘different’ – What were these differences?
Well it sounds weird but basically she has worked as a psychic for most of her life. People go to her with their problems and she helps them – she even found our local police officers car once when it got stolen. She does psychometry and tarot readings and stuff, but this often involves her getting signs and messages so she hears and sees things that other people can’t. I know that its weird. But that’s really what she does.
And have you ever experienced anything like that?
Me? No. Well not really… nothing significant. When I was a kid I used to get upset and confused as to why I didn’t have any powers or why I wasn’t special. I really wanted to have something that was meaningful like something which demonstrated our family heritage of a family business or something. But mum always said that I would need to find my own way and that she couldn’t teach me. But she also didn’t really answer any detailed questions about it. Then as I grew up I wondered if I believed in anything at all…So no I never had any abilities or experiences like that. Oh except once. When I was studying and signed off with stress. It’s hard to know though as I was asleep at the time but the voice shouted so loud I jumped clear out of bed. It only ever happened once and it’s never happened again since.
What sort of voice was it?
It was a man’s voice. And it shouted at me.
What did it say?
It shouted the words ‘wake up’
It told me to wake up.
