Auschwitz and dark tourism

I’m not really sure why it popped into my head really. I’ve never really spoken much about it to anyone. I guess as my nan is so poorly now I’m a little preoccupied with death – also when you are studying ageing you come across the topic quite a bit..

It was a year after I’d left uni (2005) and there was a bit of a hoo ha about whether I should even be allowed to attend or not. The tutor organising the Poland trip was all for it though so I managed to sneak a place on the small group. I don’t know why I asked to go I just felt that I really had to experience it. Heritage and tourism was something I’d spent a lot of time studying as an undergrad and ‘dark tourism’ was something I was really interested in. I had little knowledge of the time in history at the start as I never took it beyond Tudors and Stuarts when I was at school.

We were there for a week and travelled to various Auschwitz sites across Poland.  I wanted to understand these events but also how they could be communicated and represented. How after such a tragedy do you deal with the scars that are left?

Places such as The Killing fields in Cambodia, Ground Zero in New York and other war/disaster sites often attract a high number of visitors…. both those that have some personal connection with the place or family ties as well as those wanting to understand historical events or how they have shaped the identity of people and place. It’s often a complex, contested, and ideological thing – the representation of history.

Many people, who may not have a direct link to the events often see it as weird or morbid – to visit a place such as Auschwitz. A place where unspeakable things happened. For me it serves as an acknowledgement to those who were affected – a way to understand the impact of such events and a  reminder of how atrocities can happen if we let them.. it was at times a difficult journey – to be confronted with the images and experiences the sites/museums portrayed, but it was an important one and one that I would never forget. It is also incredibly important for those who do have direct connections to the events.. many families were visiting the site, having made a pilgrimage in memory of loved ones or relatives lost.  To make meaning and sense of their identity. The site was flooding at the time of my visit and I found the below note in the grass… I don’t know anything about the person who left it. I wonder who they were and how these events connected us in this really remote way? The other clear memory I had was of the ash. It was still evident, all around Auschwitz II Birkenau even in 2005.

Even though I caused a bit of controversy by attaching myself to the trip.. I still believe that it was the right thing to do, and I am still really grateful that I got the opportunity.  People generally think that death is something we shouldn’t really ever contemplate..but  thinking more widely however, we can see from other cultures that this is not always the case. For in understanding and embracing the certainty of death we can simultaneously find greater reason to embrace and celebrate life and the living. If you ever have the chance to visit – go. Poland is a fantastic country with a lot to offer for many types of travel.

The living bridge..

Fried tarantula

(Spring 2004)

We were travelling overland on a group tour. A small party of international travellers of varying ages, sizes and descriptions, united by a love of adventure, the unexpected and a curiosity for different cultures. We were strangers on arriving in the country, but had become a happy unit by the time we left it.

It was toward the end of our experience.  We had negotiated canals by dugout boat, cities, historic ruins and jungles, temples, beaches, swam in forest rivers, discovered deserted hill forts and learnt of the genocide and regime which had scarred both a people and land. The journey took us by train, boat, public bus, and in the back of pickup trucks which transported us far and wide across Cambodia.

We had been travelling for many hours by mini bus across treacherous dirt tracks and uneven broken highways.  It was early April and nearing the end of the dry season.  The air conditioning unit had long since broken, and relief from the heat was occasionally brought through the open windows along with views of dusty fields, shacks, ploughs, occasional cattle and waving children along the roadside. Lorries frequently passed us, precariously piled high with goods or stock, mountains of cargo which were often double the size of the vehicle carrying them and were sometimes topped off by sleeping human bodies or roped, bewildered looking animals.

Our tour demanded a twelve hour journey that day, and we were relieved when the bus pulled in for a break at a roadside cafe/interchange. It was a square concrete looking building, which was offset with brightly coloured plastic tables and chairs. It was busy with a number of (mostly) men eating, gambling, or conducting business as traders would meet at the ‘half way point’ between towns to exchange/buy goods and other matters.

Tumbling wearily out of the bus I was immediately conscious of how strange we looked to the locals. Our dress, our manner or gadgets and adornments, all seemed alien in this world despite the fact these were ‘simplified’ versions of ourselves so as to accommodate our travels.   Reactions to our party were different all around Cambodia and often related to the level of tourism development which had taken place.  It was curious and beneficial to experience life as a kind of ‘other’ an alien in a foreign land.  Sometimes it was curiosity, indifference, annoyance, frustration, fascination, but usually we were greeted with compassion and with a warm generosity. Having recently recovered from such tragic events, the Khmer people seemed to usually find something to smile about regardless of their circumstances. People here though, seemed a little less trusting of strangers.

During the regime many people were sent out to work the land and forced to live in poverty (and still do).  Most Khmer people  learnt to survive on whatever they could find, which is how the local snack of fried tarantula came to be popular in this particular area we passed through. Usually at ‘service stations’ you could pick up essentials – bottles of water, fried rice, mango, salt and chilli pineapple, everything always wrapped in tiny plastic bags, but it was the only time I ever saw anything like this on my travels there.

The sight of the spiders was fascinating.   To see them all together was, essentially, your worst nightmare realised. Even dead they look pretty formidable given their size.  I was interested in how something which people were usually so afraid of could actually nourish them.   So I bought one. I was the only person to go for it. Most of the others were so frightened of spiders it was just too gross to be considered.

It tasted mainly of garlic. The legs were furry and on the ends were charred, sort of like a burnt furry twiglet. They were hard to swallow at times and got stuck in my throat. There was a small amount of firm meat on the body. I can’t really remember what it tasted of now – I think mostly garlic and woodsmoke.  I think I had a good go at it and ate most of the body. Might have left a few legs though.  The other travellers were impressed/repulsed.

I felt strangely proud in that moment.

We continued on the journey by bus and in the evening finally reached the capital Phonm Penn. The idea of the tour experience overall was a deliberately ‘local’ one and for most of the holiday we camped, stayed with local families, used *very* basic guesthouses or overnight transport.

The hotel in the capital was our one night of luxury.. but by then it seemed almost obscene that after our extraordinary backpacking adventures we now stayed in a palace of chrome and glass complete with running water, air conditioning, toilets with seats and neatly ironed pristine white sheets.  I felt perfectly fine for the entire night but it wasn’t until getting up the next day that I began to feel queasy.

My roommate said she was sure it was the spider that did it.

We got up a little late for breakfast and rushed to make the sitting. It was a weekday and the prestigious hotel was bustling with high end tourists and Khmer business  executives.  By then I realised I felt rough, really rough.  We were quite high up in the building, perhaps on the top floor and we both managed to squeeze into the busy mirrored lift right by the doors.

It must have been the motion of the lift dropping that made my queasy stomach turn so violently. I held on as the lift began to sail steadily downward. Floor 8, floor 7, floor 6, (I needed the get to a toilet pronto) floor 5, floor 4, (just hold on, I thought). What happened next was some kind of unfortunate miracle of timing.

The lift reached the ground floor and I can remember thinking as I heard the familiar ‘ding’ that I was going to make it. (I am definitely going to make it) I thought.

Wrong.

The doors swung back and in almost perfect synchronicity, as I stepped out through them, I vomited violently (perhaps in the manner of the exorcist film or similar) straight out across the lobby in front of the  reception desk, a queue of guests waiting to check out, most of my  fellow travellers  and several tables of nearby breakfast diners. I can still remember the look of shock on the receptionist’s faces as my body wretched involuntarily and dramatically to expel (possibly the spider but we don’t know) whatever it was that poisoned it (Which I then helplessly deposited in the middle of the posh reception).

Once people had gotton over the shock, it seemed that no lasting damage was done. Things were cleared away, and I, after a few days, recovered.

People have since asked me, if I had the choice again, would I still eat the spider?

Every.

Single.

Time.

I disabled my facebook profile (call the police!)

Last week I did something radical…

I DISABLED MY FACEBOOK PROFILE!!!!!!

And so far – it’s been interesting.

Facebook has experienced huge growth since its launch in 2004 with a reported 845 million active users in February 2012. The social networking site provides a shared online webspace for individuals and their friends to chat, post messages/email and share uploads /activities relating to their interests.

I’ve been a member of the site since around 2007/8. Since I joined I’ve spent a good amount of time using the site. I currently have around 250 friends (although at one stage I was hitting 700). I have been in contact with old friends from school, joined groups for events, shared photos and communicated with friends across the world both whilst at ‘home’ and whilst abroad travelling. I can literally communicate ‘on the move’ picking up facebook from my smartphone at any time where I have a signal. It has had some positive impact on my life, increased my online presence and connection with others.   So why the change?

It’s difficult to pinpoint exactly where the tipping point was that made me want to take a step back from it.  From a practical level the site has been subject to constant upgrades and re-designs with privacy rules and process changing frequently. This unsettles me as I feel less in control of the data that I share.  The most frequent introduction ‘timeline’ encourages you to input all your personal history and it got to a stage where I didn’t understand why that was really necessary. The accuracy of the targeted marketing on facebook is frightening (with ‘bots’ often picking up key words from status updates etc ) and whilst its great to share info on line this can also backfire with the world being informed of your relationship breakup or latest family drama. This is pretty rubbish if it’s something serious such as a hospital emergency or similar.

One of the key things I have noticed is the more that I have shared on facebook the less people in my life have felt it necessary to actually to talk to me.  Being a research student can be a lonely process at times, and whilst other people have felt that they are up to date with my goings on via facebook, I’ve really missed having face to face contact with them. My main resolution is to try and get back into the habit of having actual conversations with people and hopefully encourage them to do the same.

I started to also wonder what the implication was in terms of emotional investment in the past. Having your entire life history mapped out in front of you may not be the best thing in terms of relationship break up or family dispute and who really needs to be reminded of certain past events?  I know several of my friends who have completed the obligatory ‘facebook stalk’ of their new partners torturing themselves with photos of their current beau in previous relationships.  I was also contacted by a ‘bully’ from years gone by who seemed to have no recollection of what she put me through.  So I silently ignored her friend request and the more I ignored her well guess what? She attempted to bully me again via the internet. Not really sure I needed that… is it really necessary to get back in touch with everyone from our past.. maybe if we’ve not kept in touch it’s for a reason and it’s better to let them go?

I noticed other changes in social activity too. One of my interest is photography and lately I have been making greater attempts to understand and document different aspects of social life. I want to understand and represent social issues (by social I mean those concerned with society) using photography to try and do that. So I am trying to think more about the meanings of the photos that I take.  I’ve been on a few nights out recently where the activity seemed to be taking photos for facebook. Not enjoying the moment, or celebrating a specific event but for taking photo after photo of ..well..not a lot really. The whole dynamic of an evening out seems to be shifting from enjoying the moment to documenting it. Performing it even. Don’t get me wrong I’ve been just as guilty of this in the past as others have.  I guess from my clowning training I am learning to try and live in the moment,  but I witnessed how facebook is changing our sense of ‘being there’ with people posting on facebook groups about the night out whilst all being on the night out and a few metres away from each other. I started wondering if this was quite right. Also my research is concerned with the older people and they highlight so much the need for ‘being there’ with others. It made me more aware of my own absence in the present through technology/facebook.

I’v e been having these thoughts for a while and Shelly Turkle’s book ‘Alone Together’ has been on my amazon wish list since last year.  Recently I picked up on a TED talk via Twitter (Oh the irony) given by Sherry regarding her research which discuss this concept of almost individual/group isolation.  Have a look and see what you think.

One of the most interesting things is the way people react when I tell them.  It’s become such a social norm that most people think I am bonkers. In addition more and more activities are being organised via facebook and my lack of an account has been seen as a real inconvenience. Also interesting to note is that a lot of people weirdly assumed they had done something to me personally and that I had singled them out for deletion rather than cancelling my own account.

I didn’t delete my facebook profile as I have lots of info I need to pull off as well as contact details of friends and family. I can go back in at any time and restore things if I want to, it has had some great benefits and in the past I have enjoyed sharing certain things with my friends and family. I guess what I’m doing currently is taking stock. Trying to exist in the moment and rekindle the physical co-present aspects of my relationships.   Although people think I’m weird I’ve felt a lot better. Maybe I will re-boot the profile at some point in the future, but currently I am enjoying a new kind of freedom,  – one of privacy, of acting in a different way, of trying to be in the  here and now…. and to be honest the strongest feeling I have is a strange sense of relief.

Why Bedminster is amaze balls

Being reasonably close to the town centre its often tempting to pop straight into town or my very favouritest place St Nicks Market for anything I need.  Usually I do my shopping in Asda as its literally only a few minutes walk away. Recently and more so over Christmas I’ve found Asda to be a bit unbearable. Chaotic and overwhelming with bright lights, relentless sales pitches, screaming bored children , grown ups with ‘trolly rage’, rising prices and too much choice. During my last visit it took me ages to decide what kind of honey I wanted. I was there for around ten minutes trying to balance the environmental, moral, economic, social and ethical dilemmas that you face when presented with (I’m guessing )  around 20? different types of honey. Which is a more worthier cause? Bees from the UK or bees from Brazil? How many ‘food miles’ are involved – which is more sustainable – where does the money go and to what degree – who is benefiting the most from my purchase? – arguments in favour and against.  In the end I couldn’t decide so I ended up buying two types and by the time I got home I realised that Asda had won the argument on all counts.

So today I ventured into Bedminster (south of the city – BS3) for the first time since I’ve lived in Bristol. I’ve popped up to the High Street maybe three times before (for the dentist and such like) but had never really had a full-on proper shopping experience.  I had a lovely morning.  Here is why:

Firstly its alive with discount shops – I get excited about these sort of shops mainly because I enjoy foraging a little bit for things that seem interesting. I found a lot of things which were very cheap and reasonable quality such as things for my room which are really expensive in town.  Also there are lots of charity shops – I don’t always by clothes from these kind of shops but I am trying to do so more – one for cost reasons and two because we live in such a ‘disposable’ society I find it hard to justify continuous streams of consumption and buying stuff.   Jessi Arrington’s mini TED talk sets out some of the reasons why it’s good to ‘wear nothing new’ (her presentation style is a little sugary but stick with it). Today I bought a brown corduroy jacket for £3.00 to wear with my jeans. Bargin.

It’s valentine’s day soon and quite frankly the massive annual societal push from all the shops/popular media for us to buy yet more shit for each other that we don’t really need, just makes me want to poke out both my eyes. Not only that  – if you are not in a relationship, the pantomime that is valentines day is only designed to make you feel a whole heap worse about yourself but its okay – you can buy more shit for yourself to make it all better!!!  (rant over).  The onset of Valentines day has not escaped Bedminster but my cynicism was melted a little by the British Heart Foundations window display –  where you can write  messages of love to your  favourite people: (mainly from kids but aww bless)

Next up:  architecture I don’t know the history of Bristol that well but  in Bedminster a lot of the buildings are old but quite beautiful.  Some are no longer used  unfortunately like the handsome looking London Inn below:

Closed now – but used to be a (horse) coach station apparently. Currently up for auction yours for £175,000. It can be seen in the background of a photo taken in 1919 I found via local historian  BrizzleBuff  – amazing pics on flkr – go check out the rest of them!

I also enjoyed shopping in local shops and meeting local shop and stall keepers– I can recommend Lee’s bakery (cakes look amazing) and the green grocers next door – (currently 3 x avocado for a £1, strawberries £1 a punnet) I also bought some curly kale as I read somewhere once that its really good for you, although I’m not sure exactly what I am going to do with it – Bedminster also sports a range of butchers shops and other fruit and veg stalls.

There is also a promising looking fish and chip restaurant that I discovered though I’ve not tried it out yet.

There are sadly a few amusement arcades and betting shops and a proportion of the shops, particularly in the shopping precinct by Iceland are empty (although I noticed recently that even some of the shop units in Park Street have not escaped this fate).  Some of the pubs do look a bit dodgy but might be okay on the inside – you never know.

Finally I stopped for breakfast at the sunshine cafe. There are lots of little places to grab a cuppa in Bedminster. I picked this place initially as I used to work in a similar place for years back in Kent.  Guess it felt familiar. It was packed, in fact most of the cafes were.

I think the best thing about Bedminster is its diversity of people –  it was a different demographic to those you find in town, and my how sociable.  Every shop I went into, people spoke to me.  Conversations were happening in the street and in cafes and across tables. I ordered a vegi breakfast (diet progressing well you see) and ended up sharing my table with two older ladies and we had a good old chin wag. They were having bacon butties with the crusts cut off and seemed to be well acquainted with the waitress.  I think they were regulars.  A TV blared in the corner but not one person was watching it and going in there with a smartphone? Yeah might as well had a flag attached to your hat – had to put it away sharpish as I got some odd glances.  Not in an intimidating way but mainly because people were all talking to each other. We all shared some laughs.

I walked home feeling in a very good mood, and very happy with my morning. I will be going back to Bedminster again soon. Lovely people.

Now all I have to do is work out what to do with the ‘curly kale’…

its a bit like a shrub really……

Murmuration

Happy New Year blog! Looking back at 6 months of meanderings and the privileges of sharing

Happy New Year blog! You are just over 6 months old..you have 4! (count em) 4 official followers! Some people have RSS’d you!! You’ve had over 3500 hits in the past 6 months!!!

As is the way at this time of year – it’s often useful to look back at events and experiences of the last 6 or 12 months, weigh up and contemplate successes and failures and have some kind of plan for 2012.  Since beginning this blog I’ve had discussions with people, received feedback and begun to read the blogs of others.

So here are my thoughts on blogging so far.

The aim.

It’s hard to know if I should currently count my blog as a ‘success’….. doing so would possibly imply that it had some kind of aim.. and I’m not sure what the aim of it was to start with to be honest. I wanted a place just to put down thoughts to myself which perhaps others could share, reflect comment on…. to show things I make, create, write… to share photos I’ve taken and to attempt to document both my intellectual and artistic journey. I also occasionally use it for thoughts around my academic work.  I guess what I’ve struggled to do is to refine it down to one single thing which I think in terms of  blog ‘effectiveness’  (i.e communicating a single message) is traditionally not thought of as a good thing – but in terms of personal benefit I think it is. The blog is not just about my passions or my work or wholly biographical, wholly evidence based or wholly arts based. It is a combination of these things, because I am a combination of these things. I found it incredibly hard to define myself through one single activity or discipline or pursuit, and I rather think that perhaps similar to twitter this diversity, I would argue is a good thing.

As humans we are inherently habitual creatures and as Bourdieu writes, our experiences of everyday life and our place in the social settings/structures within which we are situated often lead us to ways of acting or ways of being which encourage us to replicate learned behaviour. Perhaps the continual stream of diverse subjects/topics coupled with a conflicting  a lack of narrative (i.e mainly individual and unrelated blog posts) encourage not only small bites of knowledge dissemination or thinking points, and dialogue across disciplines,  but also in addition (as is the way with this blog) combining art with this – will encourage the followers to interpret and reflect on their own experience in order to succumb to the often common modern human reflex which is to ‘order ‘ or to ‘make sense’ of everything. Again I view this as a positive thing. All to often in life we are taught to expect the linear neat ‘story’ this is demonstrated through our telling of history to the simple childhood fairytale. Its is an uncomfortable truth however that this is never really the case.

Whilst mostly blog posts have no specific narrative the one story that currently does emerge throughout is my story, as I am the sole creator of this blog. My story is inevitably told then perhaps covertly by demonstrating the topics I am interested in and more overtly by the inclusion of an element of biographical material, this which needs on to my next thinking point….

To share or not to share – that is no longer a question…

Blogs spring up for all sorts of reasons and I guess like twitter its entirely up to the individual how little or how much they disclose, or what level or personal topics they cover.  At first I approached the blog with an intention of the ‘I’ remaining more removed from my writing. However unexpectedly as I began to write it seems that it became easier for me to express things… I also made another significant discovery. The word press site management functions enable me to see the search terms that people entered into google to arrive at my blog and I was really surprised as to the things that were coming up – a lot of the time they were related to productions, artists, theorists that I had mentioned but often they were more personal:

  • My PhD supervisor shouts at me
  • PhD student expectations
  • PhD first year unhappy
  • PhD I feel alone
  • The body

There were a number of others, but I realised how the internet could be used to create meaning. As well as providing an element of personal catharsis I began to realise the potential of the internet to act as a type of virtual support for people who were experiencing the same/similar things whether positive or negative. By revealing the truth about our lives and revealing our authentic selves and to remove as far as possible the conscious effort to ‘self present’ ourselves.. the possibility that stigma around certain experiences may be removed, and perhaps in a most idealistic sense – support could be given even if no interaction between reader/blogger ever occurs.  I noticed that as my posts became more honest and I revealed deeper things so did others. So they benefitted as well – in a way. Also I find the roots of my internet meanderings often come down to some basic philosophical things – life, death, love, family, food, sex, leisure – this perhaps reflects my own values and past/current experiences. Also my research – concerned with the experience of ageing often highlights these basic things. As we grow older and our worlds shrink, our bodies change and we approach the end of life inherently we appreciate and see things differently. The basic principles are often the most important and I guess so far my feelings around the issues brought to my attention all add up to the simpler and most fundamental things in life. It’s difficult and it becomes almost meaningless to attempt an over intellectualisation of the theory/issues/context surrounding the humanistic experience of ageing particularly when published in the blogsphere. I want it to be accessible. Not aimed at academics but to somehow use a language that speaks to everyone.

The future of this blog

So what’s in store for 2012? I guess for me and for the blog? I currently have 76 posts pending covering ideas for research, art, creativity, ageing, biography and other ideas. I hope to have a greater focus on my photography work and on my research which I hope will be of interest. I still have a number of reflection around courses I’ve attended and productions to write up which I hope to get done before I go back to work. I guess next year you can expect more of the same but with new stuff too – telling my story and the story of others. I expect that at times you will find it beautiful, uncomfortable, interesting, confusing and hopefully inspiring and thought provoking too. I currently plan to maintain this blog until September 2013. Then after that perhaps will act as documentary evidence of a transitionary time for me. Anyhow, whatever happens I hope somehow you get something out of it, even if you don’t always agree with it.

So, I’ll sign off now, I don’t think I will get a chance to post tomorrow so I guess from me I have to say ‘Happy New Year’ and thanks for following and commenting.. .. maybe on New Years eve you are off out to do something exciting…. maybe you are staying in and rejoicing in domestic bliss.. maybe you’re going to drink a bottle of Jack Daniels and wish the whole fucking pantomime would go away.. whatever happens I will see you on the other side…and maybe.. just maybe.. 2012 is going to be our year…

X

The Bullet & The Base Trombone/ The Morpeth Carol at Bristol Ferment

Suddenly its winter and I realise that I still have a lot of performances from this year to write up. It was the promise of  http://sleepdogs.org/  current production of The Morpeth Carol (Bristol Old Vic showing until the 17th of December)  that prompted me to remember the jungles and the battlefields of  the WIP showing of The Bullet and the Base Trombone  back in July as part of Bristol Ferment. The months have flown, although the memory of the performance is still clear in my head and I’ve been contemplating it for quite some time.  It was a lesson in the power of sound.. (so much so that I was wandering around rock pools in Wales with a Dictaphone last summer) but most significantly in the power of  imagination.

As usual I try and approach these things with an open mind – and I’ve given up trying to predict what could possibly be presented during this type of theatre and just try and go with whatever it is.  Suffice to say that the Bullet and the Base Trombone was my first sound based performance so I was excited in discovering what that actually meant.

As the performance began I am the first to admit that I was completely confused as to how much of this was actually real – I mean it sounded so real. And the story well – these things do happen don’t they? There are lands that colonist conquered with their silly wigs and western ideologies, and well we see conflict on the news today all the time, right?

The sparcity of the stage made the experience more atmospheric. It was like my mind had room to construct the scene (although I did spend the first five minutes staring at the equipment compulsively thinking ‘I wonder what that button does?)   A story told by a man alone on a stage surrounded by people.  The story of an orchestra or those behind the music.

Can you see them standing there?

The man told us of music. Of the construction of music. Of how the notes were geographical, like islands in his mind. I don’t read music. But I can see the islands too.

The man told us of an orchestra. Of the people and the lives behind the music. And there was a jungle and a bird. A beautiful beautiful bird that sang so hauntingly and sadly.   A jungle with people who knew their environment so well. The orchestra were on a mission – to play music all around the world – but the world they stumbled into was one devoid of music and full of conflict. People with guns. No birds sang here. I don’t remember what happened really. How the players strayed so close to the conflict zone, how they were discovered, how the girl with the cello was held at gun point. ‘Play’ the child had said to her. The children watched and listened fascinated– until eventually as they grew bored she was shot in the ankle and left for dead. Maybe the bird sang again after that, maybe the women crawled to shelter, maybe some of the orchestra were reunited… but what of the others?

‘That’s all I’ve got folks’ said the man, swiftly disappearing into the shadows.

W-H-A-T?

We sat for a moment. Quietly stunned.

Well. After that ferment experience I was properly self-prepped for the potential of my own internal response to another sound based performance.  What the previous show had taught me is to listen, but perhaps importantly that I could still apply my imagination.  I’m not sure grown ups do this very often. Children, yes, but grown ups? What did I imagine?

  • I’d imagine I can deliver that for you on time.
  • I’d imagine you’ll receive the invoice in a week or so.
  • I’d imagine the computer will be fixed soon.
  • I’d imagine that all those pizza delivery leaflets will eventually block the access to my front door

The Morpeth Carol was a different kind of story… but one where I still could exercise my imagination.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin..

A small intimate studio. Anybody fancy a Christmas cuddle? Five performers, five scripts, five desk lamps. Some crunchy snow-gravel.

So. Er.. Are they just going to read it then?

Once again I soon learnt that taking away the traditional trappings of the theatre suddenly made my ears work better.  Sometimes I get a flinching moment of anxiety… but where is all the stuff? You mean it’s just us and them? So we listened…. And we looked…. And they looked back.

It was like a bedtime story – well one where all the reindeers died anyhow. A Northern town, a small child who saw everything, a grown child, a man as old as life itself. A drunk mother, a father that wasn’t much good at anything. I squirmed at the violent bits. Felt that apathy of those working in retail. The universe worked in unequal and inexplicable ways, but as the old man once said – the specific workings of the universe were not really that important.

Snow crunched, the wind howled, sirens wailed. The story unfolded rapidly and all drawing toward an inevitable Christmas conclusion….

Or was it?

A poignant, sincerely performed and clever production subtly questioning the meanings of Christmas, tradition, class, race, family and gifts.

Shame on me for being such a bloody humbug this year.

Sleepdogs and Bristol Ferment present The Morpeth Carol  which runs at Bristol Old Vic Theatre until December the 17th 2011.

A certified clown!! the end of clowning part I

Today was officially the end of clown school.  Luckily I could make the lesson and I’m so glad I did.  It’s all a bit emotional for us clowns tonight. We have made such good friends and learnt so much about ourselves.  I will do a proper write up on my progress this year  just as soon as I have had some chance to reflect.For now here is my official certificate and feedback from the rest of my troupe as to how the other clowns viewed me or my memorable moments. I’m really looking forward to next term – getting up early to sign up at the folk house was a good ideas as all the places went within 24 hours! Four of my current troupe will joining a range of other stage II clowns next term. New playmates and it’s a mix of ‘professionals’ ’emergers’ and hobbyists!!!  Am I becoming clown dependent? ;-0

So thank you clowns and thank you Holly..for fun, trust, laughter, love, seeing and healing.


Tales of Christmas past #1 The Invisible Christmas

The building looked different to how I’d seen it previously.. that is before the guests had arrived.  The hall was large and it was the only area that both guests and volunteers had access to. In the corner a TV blared. Groups of tables and chairs were set out, next to areas for clothing distribution and a hatch were guests were given hot drinks and food.  Bowls of crisps, sweets and biscuits were everywhere. This felt slightly odd.  Creating a party atmosphere was perhaps well intended but seemed a little disingenuous to the reality of the circumstances.

Regardless of the training sessions I’d attended I felt apprehension.  The situation, we had been warned, could be unpredictable.  Violence sometimes occurred but this was usually outside and between guests. The biggest threat was overdose. The year before a guest had died at the shelter on New Years Eve. Although beds were checked every 15 mins the wheezing ‘or death rattle’ had not been identified in time.  Most guests I’d been told, had been philosophical about this. ‘He had died with a warm meal inside him in a safe bed surrounded by his mates’.  ‘God bless’ they wrote in the art workshop the next day.

I was working front of house – so this meant companionship, tea fetching and board games although my first official task was toilet duty.  Drugs and alcohol were not permitted but addiction, I witnessed, was a relentless master.  Toilet checks were performed under the neon lights every 15 minutes for substance use, overdose or other illicit activity. There was no real bother on any of my shifts.

The volunteers were plenty. They outnumbered the guests on some evenings and encompassed a wide range of people. Food was donated generously, was in excess at times and of top quality. Some of Bristol’s best chefs were doing shifts in the kitchen. Three meals a day were given out, sweets crisps and biscuits in-between and the shelter tried to ensure that no one was turned away from the 50 beds available. Most guests moved in and stayed for the two week Christmas period. This was usually the most stable place they had been for the entire year normally moving on every night.

The guests were of all ages, and came from all walks of life. Some were local residents who were alone at Christmas and wanted company.  Some were ‘hidden homeless’ – who survived by kipping on mates sofas and gave their usual hosts a break over the festive period.  Most though were homeless the year through and stuck in unbreakable cycles of addiction, unemployment, mental health illness and prostitution.

It was a Christmas bubble. We all knew that the situation wasn’t real. That nothing would change. But for those two weeks of the year, life was made more bearable for the guests.  Jokes were exchanged, games were lost and won.  Second hand clothes were traded.  Tea was drunk and songs were sung.

It was difficult to see how some of the guests had ended up there.  Clever, funny, personable, educated.  Others illustrated the miserable and mostly hopeless reality of those living in the grip of addiction.  Missing person cards were handed out to us at the beginning of the shift in the hope that amongst the guests a specific friend or loved one could be identified. Occasionally people were recognised, but often they didn’t want to be found ‘Give them the message I’m alrite’  They would say.

Nicholas was seventeen. He had problems with his family and at school and had been crashing on mate’s sofas for over a year.  The first thing I noticed about him was how clever he was. If he was engaged in something he was really bright. He would win at nearly all the games he played and would teach others. He was extremely patient at my totally inability to pick up a lot of the games we played.   Nicholas didn’t have an obvious class A or alcohol addiction (although I’m not medically qualified to make any kind of assessment especially given it was only three shifts I volunteered). He talked about wanting to go to college and said he spent most of his time smoking weed.  I saw so much potential there.  Don’t drop anchor here, I thought.

Edward and Rosa seemed to be a couple –  both alcoholics. They were in their forties would have once been well dressed had it not been for the dirt and tatter of their clothes.  I found them the most difficult to sit with.  He would insult her constantly, both to her face in front of other people. A consistent barrage of verbal abuse.  She had swollen ulcers on her hands and feet – infected track marks. She seemed indifferent to the constant degradation.

Alan scared me. He was very tall, he may have been in the forces once. He observed the room and stood apart from everyone. He was always watching. Always looking for an opportunity, assessing the power relationships and dynamics in the room.  Street life teaches you a different set of survival skills. There was something intimidating which overwhelmed me yet in a flash it was gone and he was crying like a baby.

Ricardo was from Brazil. I spent my first evening almost exclusively with him.  He was in his twenties. He was a rent boy – and extremely distressed.  I held his hands as he cried for hours. He told me stories of life on the streets, of rape. Of concerns over HIV and the stigma amongst homeless communities about homosexuality.  He had been a dancer. He delighted at dressing up and ransacked the clothing piles for fuchsia fur coats and sequin handbags which quickly got traded for cigarettes and other favours.  The only thing I could do was be with him and see him and hear him for who he was and what he had been through.. He cried so many tears that night.  I really felt that I had helped.  The next day I was happy to see him again and bounced over to catch up on how he was doing. He didn’t remember me.

It was a year ago I volunteered.  I know I helped but ultimately found it hard to feel good about my contribution. The shelter was over staffed – some shifts even had waiting lists. Food flowed as did the goodwill to almost obscene amounts…what a lot of Christmas spirit…  But where are we the rest of the year I wondered? The shelter struggles to find staff outside of Christmas.  Sure. A brief respite from the trauma and danger of life on the street, but the ‘guests’ in reality were lost.   This was a bitter pill to swallow.  The experience stayed with me but it was a good lesson.  Anyone can be homeless. Anyone can be the victim of abuse or suffer mental illness or become an addict. And it happens all year round.  I decided that it’s more important to contribute in a way which were sustainable and longer term. But I guess most of us didn’t get around to being that altruistic yet.

There are other stories from the shelter of course, but its Christmas and there is shopping to be done and I guess you won’t have much time to read them all.. I’m lucky that I get to choose not to be at the shelter this year. I’ll never forget my experience. I’d like to think that the same ‘guests’ will make it through to 2012 but then ….I will never know.

Copyright © Franko B 2011

Photo taken by artist Franko B – the rest of the collection is well worth seeing:

http://www.franko-b.com/gallery/photography/g_photography27.htm